I’m the Dalai Moron, Lady Bastard

16 Apr

You may think I’m sitting around all day looking like a fool with my pants on the ground, cheerfully humming “touch me on my studio” and calling the postman a lady bastard because he’s “lost” my subscription copy of Hustler. Again. Some of that may be true. Don’t judge me.

Lady bastard, like “pants on the ground” and “touch me” is a neologism invented by a moron. But ask any chick in the office, I bet my left nut she’ll agree that being called lady bastard is far nicer than bitch. Unless you’re Rick James.

I’m not “one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time” (watch the YouTube video I’ve just linked to, moron). That French midget Napoleon, he was close. Who knows, he may also have known that cocaine is a hellavu drug. He did understand that an army marches on its stomach. Starve your troops and ze Germans or whoever you’re fighting on the battlefield are going to proper fuck you up. Especially if they have better grub than you. Like I said, I’m no Napoleon or Rick James. But I will find you funny shit on the internets to make your life a smoother ride to oblivion. Even if I have to sit around all day looking like a fool with my pants on the ground.

In the meantime, here’s an old but timeless quote from Denis Leary, who is more glorious asshole than magnificent moron. Enjoy the weekend, lady bastards.

Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then — one day — you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then — one day — you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.

PS We’re not talking about this Napoleon. But it’s a funny movie that has a llama in it. Watch it.

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