Tongue and Cheek

21 Apr

Remember that scene in Borat when he goes to some charismatic church and they pray for him and he takes the piss, shaking like the Holy Ghost was tickling his armpits? And they don’t seem to get that he’s taking the piss in a golden shower of mockery?

That scene reminds me of a tongues-speaking Pentecostal aunty who worked on the toilet-cleaning crew of a they-who-shall-not-be-named company. I’ll say this right up front: if I had to clean toilets for a living, especially those used by people like Father O’Mally after he’s devoured a broccoli and snoek gatsby, let’s just say I’d pray that God enabled me to do a hell of a lot more than just speak with the tongues of angels. I’d want the power to exorcise the foul demons from that cesspool of Satan’s throne room before I even ventured in. Maybe praying in tongues helped her clean up after the likes of Father Pat. I hope so for her sake.

Once, my mate and I found her praying in the trance-like state of a Native American shaman in the basement car park. The dazed look on his face as he walked past the shaman person to get to the safety of his car was the look of a man silently screaming: what the fucking flying fuck is this shaman person doing oh please Jesus Mary and Joseph save me now! It’s hard to forget moments like this in life.

Apparently, Jesus had told her that some deceased person was going to pull a Lazarus on the neighbourhood. If only the family would just believe. And that’s where tongues comes in. And trance-like walking about in circles. It makes people believe shit. I may be wrong.

It’s funny in that sad way funny can sometimes be. Because to the best of my knowledge, the broccoli demons still haunt the toilets of that building. Lazarus hasn’t shown up. And my mate still has a dazed look on his face.

Update: One of the lady bastards tells me that Father O’Mally, who makes regular visits to sprinkle holy water around her office, has switched from broccoli to boiled eggs. Sweet Jesus, the shrill rantings in tongues that will soon emerge from those god-forsaken toilets should be enough to scare a dazed look onto anyone’s face.

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