Touch Me On My Vuvuzela …!

14 May

Unless you’re an even bigger moron than the chunky dude I saw the other day wearing purple crocs and a purple golfer (I know, morons can be stylish and all, but did you not read the word crocs?) … then you’ll know that South Africa is about to be invaded by fifty trillion soccer football fans. If you’re an American, football is not that game you okes play where you wrap pillows around your body and wear tights and stupid-looking helmets to protect your brains from blunt force trauma (yes, we watch ER and Gray’s Anatomy Terminator here when we’re not chasing lions out of our backyard … we know your head can get hurt.) Football is the game you guys call soccer. Which is gay. Not homosexual. Just gay.

So like I was saying, it’s the FIFA World Cup in a few days. And to make sure y’all never forget that you’re in Africa, where people often find elephants snacking Oreos in their kitchen, we have handed out free vuvuzelas to every single South African, Congolese, Zimbabwean and Russian stripper who lives here. To blow in your ear holes. Even when our team is not playing. Just for the fucking fun of it. To see if we can make you deaf. Or maybe inflict blunt force trauma to your brain via your ear holes (see, I went there again; we also watch that CSI mofo who has a gift for corny oneliners and rocks a pair of shades in the Everglades).

I gave my free vuvuzela away to the neighbour’s kid. So he can blow two at the same time. I already have my own one. You may remember it as the Jedi Master’s weapon of choice when he got retrenched a few month’s ago. It’s even better than a vuvuzela. Because it’s a fucking light sabre that can slice a Sith in two. And split his ear drums at the same time.

Now the dude below is not the same dude I saw rocking a pair of purple crocs. But I think he may be a mascot for the American football soccer team. If you see the crazy fucker at a stadium, please tell him that megaphone he’s carrying is not a vuvuzela. And that it’s football without the pillows and stuff. But do avoid the classic cymbal double-smack to the side of the head, especially if you’re not wearing one of those soccer football helmets.

Viva the vuvuzela!

Actually, I take it all back. Blow one of those fucking things in my ears and I’ll stick my light sabre where the sun don’t shine, mate. I said … ah, fuck it. Everyone’s deaf already.

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