In case you’re perplexed as to why people are driving around with South African flag mirror socks on their cars, it’s the Soccer World Cup in a few days. It’s also why I saw some families hiking up Lion’s Head on Sunday with vuvuzelas — yes, going on a hike with a fucking vuvuzela. To do what? Let their kids blow those horrible bloody things and scare the living shit out of the poor dassies sunning themselves on the rocks? Dassies have feelings too, you silly little fuckers.
It’s the World Cup. People are going to do unbelievably stupid things. Like not let Benni McCarthy play for South Africa because he’s too chubby arrogant. I mean, so what if he wants to look like that dude Bra Chris on the Nando’s advert. You know, the cheerfully heavy chap that rocks a leapard-print vest and has invited God to shake the living crap out of the earth during the World Cup. You better believe it, thanks to this guy encouraging our beautiful South African women to show off their titties to the visitors, there is going to be some serious ramifications from above. And I don’t mean cheap prices at Nando’s so Benni can eat as much as he likes while he watches the game from the safety of the stands. I mean Boobquake revisited, but worse this time. Check out the advert if you don’t believe me, you wretched infidels:
As if it’s not bad enough that the World Cup is increasing patriotism to gigantic vuvuzela-blowing proportions and Benni’s gut/ass to similar sizes, we now have to shock-proof our homes from the coming wrath of God because of this Nando’s rubbish. Like Benni, I just wanted to eat my fried chicken in peace while I watch the best soccer players in the world dive all over the field because someone accidentally bumped their shins. Instead, I have to watch bouncing boobs everywhere I go. It’s going to be very distracting and I’m quite annoyed with Nando’s and especially this Chris motherfucker for ruining the World Cup for me.
Not really. I have house insurance. Let the fun and games begin — and like the advert says, “only ibest for ama-visitors”.
Note to Nando’s: Kudos for always pushing the envelope, even chancing earthquakes and stuff, with your ad campaigns. But your chicken’s too expensive. I’d rather eat dried fruit.