By now you should have heard about the “ambush marketing” stunt that got FIFA all pissed off and beer drinkers everywhere switching from Castle to something frothy from Bavaria breweries (note: not an official FIFA sponsor).
Thirty-six young women went off to Soccer City last week to support the Dutch football team, wearing nothing else but skimpy little orange numbers. The Dutch have a thing for orange, by the way. The sneaky little fuckers at Bavaria had the bare-butt cheek to send these women to a football game — wearing orange! That’s just fucked up.
FIFA were not ridiculous at all for having these chicks escorted out of the stadium and making sure two of them were arrested and their passports confiscated for this horrendous crime against modestly clothed humanity. I mean, if I got up really close to one of these ambush marketing terrorists and nestled my face in her lap, I may just have spotted a tiny label on the seam of her dress advertising the evil brewery. And then, with my head in her lovely lap of luxury, I would suddenly have realised the terrible truth — these women are just cheap beer whores! In protest I would refuse to drink orange juice, blow orange vuvuzelas or wear clogs ever again in my life. Because FIFA are fucking right, ambush marketing is despicable.
I would have enforced much more drastic measures at Soccer City: Take off your skimpy dresses, ladies. Yes, I know, it’s a bit chilly, but that will serve you and your nipples right for pulling a stunt like this right under FIFA’s hairy nostril. Feel free to run around the stadium as much as you like, which will help to keep you warm and possibly distract the other team, which is not a crime at all. Please note, it’s unlikely you’re wearing underwear, but if you are and it’s branded by a non-sponsor, you will be required to remove it as well — you’ll just have to run around even more and jump up and down a lot. Enjoy the strip tease game!
Come on FIFA, you dudes make me laugh. Instead of ruining running football tournaments, you okes should take over law enforcement in South Africa. Swift justice like this would turn our country into a draconian paradise overnight. And hopefully a nudist colony as well.
UPDATE: The two Dutch women arrested for wearing orange dresses have had the charges against them dropped. FIFA and Bavaria have reached an out-of-court settlement. I have my doubts whether this means they have to parade around naked with the other brand terrorists at the next Dutch match, but I’m staying glued to my TV just in case. And if you want yet another South African take on the vuvuzela, watch this.