Apparently it’s Touch a Boob week. Just as I thought I’d written everything I dare write about boobs without giving the possibly accurate impression that all I can think about is boobs (and their unbelievable power to rock the planet off its tilting foundation), along comes someone with a bright idea suggesting I go around touching women on their love pillows. Prurient idea. But I love it.
Before you run off to the nearest person in your office and heave your breasts into their unsuspecting hands or run off to the nearest person and grab their unsuspecting breasts with your sweaty hands, fun and prurient (I learned a new word) as that may be, let me explain the real reason we’re talking about breasts all week long. More than usual, I mean.
Breast cancer awareness.
But that’s still a very good reason to cheerfully ask your colleague whom you only touch in your dirty dreams if you could please help her examine her breasts. Breast cancer fucking kills people. You could be saving a life. And who knows, get laid in the process. But probably only in your dreams. However, if you find yourself alone in an elevator with the curvaceous girl from accounts, do not merrily grab her boobs from behind and then claim you were trying to save her life. Not even I would try such a fucking stupid thing. Unless she was Pamela Anderson. I don’t think she’d mind at all.
Please, ladies, remember to examine those beautiful bouncy things. And if you like the person who asks you very nicely if they can be of boob assistance, for the sake of medical progress, oblige. And dudes, I agree it’s a weird twig on the evolutionary tree, but you can also get breast cancer. Sure, asking a woman to please check your man boobs for any sign of unusual lumps and bumps may not get you where you’d hoped, but it’s worth a try. Women can be very empathetic. And ask Lance, your nuts need a good feel, too.
Disclaimer: read up on sexual harassment legislation before trying anything that may land you in the unemployment queue or court.
All jokes aside, learn more about the disease that hits one in 29 South African women. Support the health of women’s boobs!