It’s been a crazy week for local news in sunny South Africa, home to the vuvuzela, a possible cure for HIV/Aids [take a shower, says our president] and missing tigers. And here all you civilised foreign peeps thought we only have lions, elephants and llamas roaming around our neighbourhoods.
A dude who goes by the name of Goosey Fernandes lost his pet tiger, Panjo, on Monday night/Tuesday morning, depending on which news source you stick to, while he was taking it to the vet for shots. Goosey was reportedly transporting Panjo on the back of his bakkie. But the sneaky tiger, who sleeps in Goosey’s bed with him (this story has more freaky bits than Lady Gaga), escaped. And he’s been wandering around the Delmas area of Mpumalanga, probably wondering where the fuck his fluffy pillow is.
If the owner’s name was Frik van der Merwe and his illegal pet tiger answered to the name of Fokken Groot Kat, I would be more inclined to believe this story. But Goosey? And Panjo? I think something far more sinister is taking place in Delmas. My hunch is that the sequel to The Hangover is being filmed in the charming bushveld of Mpumalanga — The Hangover 2: Drunk in Delmas. I’m sure it’ll be hilarious, like the first movie. Pity they didn’t cast a llama instead of a tiger.
But if the story is for real, you okes who live in Delmas had better listen up to the advice of Wild Life South Africa spokesperson Johan van der Walt who reckons you should stand still if you spot the tiger. “If you run you are fucking dead.” He may not have said “fucking” dead, but he should have. Because being eaten alive until you die screaming in agony and then being eaten some more by a hungry tiger is a pretty fucked up way to die.
And it’s only Wednesday. Or Hump Day, as some perverts call it. There’s a lot more that can happen to round off a week of bizarre news. For instance, I could be proven right about the second Hangover movie. Or more likely, my missing pet llama, who may also be illegal but fuck them, could elope with Panjo. Just think of the cute babies they’d have.
Namaste, morons. Happy humping.
UPDATE: It ended well. Panjo the lost tiger has been found after an extensive search. The big striped kitty is doing fine. It survived by eating three KFC employees, who took to heart the instruction to feed the tiger chicken if cornered. I guess they must have smelt a bit like chicken as well. They died for a good cause.
FURTHER UPDATE: I’m just fucking with you. The tiger is safe and no humans were devoured. Goosey is overjoyed because he can snuggle up with Panjo again on his bed like before the fiasco. By the way dude, I can organise a pet Komodo dragon for you, in case you want another wild animal to snuggle up to. Hands off my llama.