Do you believe that every single word of the Bible was spoken by Morgan Freeman God in a deep but soothing tone and that each of these words should be obeyed to the letter or else your ass is going to eternally roast as Lucifer holds your writhing impaled body over a big braai? You need therapy We should have a beer.
Chris Juby, a worship director in the UK, is undertaking a tweeting venture that will excite the jocks socks off the Pope. And maybe knock his silly hat off, too. Joyful Juby is going to tweet the entire Bible over a three-year period. He’s already making speedy progress through Genesis. You know, the first book in the Bible where we learn that God took all of six days to make the bazillion galaxies that make up the universe and was so exhausted by the effort of proving Darwin wrong (who wouldn’t be) that he took a day off.
I’m quite disappointed in this Chris dude. I was fully expecting him to do the admirable thing and tweet every single solitary inspired word of the Bible, even if it took him thirty years. But oh no, Chris the worship dude is going to summarise one chapter per day into a 140-character tweet for us. He probably means well, but seriously, unless you’re special like Moses or St Paul or the Dalai Lama, don’t assume you have the divine right to dilute all the good stuff into itty bitty bite-sized tweets.
I’m not saying the Bible is not an important part of literature. But I do think people need to know that among all the tedious instructions about when to have sex and who not to have sex with (get it wrong and you’re going to be fucked up by the Devil), there are also some frisky, crazy, scare-the-bejesus-out-of-you bits that don’t exactly make for cute Sunday school lessons. Or snappy tweets.
“I will corrupt your seed and spread dung upon your faces.” Malachi 2:3
Actually, that’s quite a snappy tweet. But giving people shitty facials and doing unmentionable stuff with sperm? Anger management, people, anger fucking management.
And you probably think the Psalms are all zen-like poetry possibly written by Deepak Chopra, don’t you? Unless of course you wake up in the morning with a hangover and want to kill the neighbour’s kid for blowing his vuvuzela. In which case, fuck those happy psalms. Go with this one:
“Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.” Psalm 137:9
There were obviously no good therapists around when David was playing his harp and fucking up giants. And speaking of doing naughty things with your junk, this woman may have been the very first porn star:
“There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” Ezekiel 23:20
After reading that verse, you need to jump right into the New Testament and do this:
“If thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out!” Matthew 5:29
I may be proven wrong three years from now when Chris the Bible Twitterer has come up with some awesome summaries of the more violent and salacious chapters of the Bible. He may even single-handedly start up a few more religious wars. Or possibly reignite the porn industry that is prophesied to die out with the rest of us in 2012. But hopefully he will inspire all his Twitter followers to read the whole Bible and then agree with me … that Stephen King is probably God.