FAQ

These Frequently Asked Questions are all legit. Seriously. Would I make up shit like this? Exactly. (This page is updated more frequently than the Pope has sex.)

Please to give idea to touch boob without knowing to her. If you’re seriously looking for some answers to this question, you’re probably a frantic masturbator. The best place to indulge in a bit of boob touching without knowing to her is a live music gig. You want to find yourself in the push and shove of a crowd packed into a venue like sardines in a tin. Do not choose a lame black metal band. Even if the chicks are hot — very unlikely or they’re human sacrifices — you’d probably get your balls shredded on a spiked arm band. Choose a gig like Kings of Leon or something that gets chicks excited in all the right places, even if it’s also lame. But I think you’ll still spend most of the gig in the toilet choking your monkey anyway. Idiot.

What unusual search terms lead people to your blog? Typically people will search for “most awesome fucking blog” and that surprisingly beats the shit out of all the porn traffic. And then “awesome jedi dude on llama” almost crashes WordPress. But recently, “i have a cucmber but no condom”, “wife cucumber in condom” and my favourite “idea to touch boob without knowing to her”. So for all you novice bloggers out there, write about boobs and erotic fruit and you’ll become famous. Like me.

Are you a real Jedi? Are you a real moron? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way. And I’m not just a Jedi. I’m Jedi Master. I think that means even that funny little green dude would bow at my feet in reverence.

What’s with the South Park character avatar? Read my post about the Jedi Master for context. An ex-colleague, Lady Bastardo, thought it was a fitting way to depict my emotional and mental state towards the fantastic news that I was to join the ranks of the unemployed.

What’s your favourite colour? Are you fucking serious? Who cares what my … okay, black. Because I can’t make up my mind. And I read somewhere that black is the one colour that sucks up all the other colours. That’s kind of awesome.

Why do you like llamas so much? Because if you piss them off, they spit at you. I think they may just spit at you for the hell of it. And they have a very kick-ass attitude toward dental aesthetics. The only other animal a llama would think twice about spitting on is a honey badger. Those motherfuckers have been known to rip a lion’s balls right out of its unfortunate scrotum. So unless it’s a very retarded llama, I think he’d just smile charmingly at a honey badger and then run for his fucking life. That’s clever. Another reason I think llamas rock.

Would you describe yourself as a human llama? Would you describe yourself as a … too easy. Yes, I would. My teeth are not quite as fucked up. And I don’t make a habit of spitting at people. I do have a very real respect for honey badgers. And great white sharks. All sharks really. And women find me charmingly irresistible. Just like llamas.

If you could have dinner with any celebrity, who would it be? The Dalai Lama. The Pope. Eric Theodore Cartman. Because I respect his authoritah!

What is your dream job? Anything that would pay me Richard Branson’s annual income every month. If I earned that much money, it wouldn’t really matter how shitty the job now, would it? I’d simply hire someone to do it for me. While I lounge on a tropical island and sip cocktails. While gorgeous women gently fan me and my pet llama with palm leaves. So I guess whatever the hell Richard Branson does is my dream job.

Do you have any pick-up lines that actually work? “Would you like to see my other Jedi light sabre? It glows in the dark *wink*.” That worked once, but she looked like Chewbacca, only with more body hair. I usually default to this one: “I’m a freedom fighter for Mount Pleasure. Let me liberate you from the oppression of your clothes and ….” At this point I pause to wipe away whatever cocktail has drenched my face and then continue, “… introduce you to my leetle friend.” At which point, there is general laughter in the bar and I go home to reintroduce Ms Palmer to my leetle friend. Ha, I’m just yanking your chain. I look like George Clooney. I don’t need to say anything, women just fall all over me. Usually because they’re drunk, but that’s what bars are all about. Good luck.

Who is your favourite comic superhero? Jesus. None of the others turn water into booze. Closely followed by all the busty female superheroes dressed in tight attire.

Have you ever choked on an anal bead? Um, what the fuck? Seriously, you should be at kinkymorons dot retard, but as long as you’re here …. the word “anal” should give you a clue about where to insert them, which is to say, probably not your throat. Try a nostril for a different sensation.


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One Response to “FAQ”

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  1. My Lewd and Lascivious Llama « The Dalai Moron - August 29, 2010

    […] FAQ […]

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