Dear Prof Ivan
Dude, I have a bone to pick with you. Quite a big one as it turns out.
You sold me with the poster, especially using smart marketing words like “power” and “enlargement”. And the 100% herbal bit — very environmentally responsible and all. No one wants to rub some artificial chemical shit on their dick that will only increase the size of their pecker because of massive inflammation. I should know. Been there, done that.
I was quivering with anticipation when your package arrived in the mail — I would have preferred a courier service using a stripper dressed up as a courier person and offering one free lap dance per delivery, but at least the goods arrived after four weeks, which has never happened with any of the other dick treatments I’ve paid good money for over the internet.
Anyway, as there were no instructions with your 100% herbal penis cream, I gingerly set about applying the substance, which God has been keeping a sneaky secret until you discovered it while gardening naked in Nigeria. I’m writing to let you know that you are not a complete liar, Prof Ivan. This shit fucking works! But here’s the problem — it works on anything! While rubbing the stuff on very carefully to the bit needing power and enlargement, one of my testicles started itching. I’m sure you’ll agree, it’s only natural to give an afflicted nut a good scratch. I now have a very powerful and enlarged left testicle. It feels like I’m swinging a fucking watermelon in a hammock between my legs. I also scratched my right earlobe and must have applied your powerful cream there as well. If you look at that side of my head I appear to be one of those primitive tribesmen sporting gigantic earlobes that impress primitive tribal ladies. Earlobes stretched, I can only assume, by hanging something the size of my left nut from them.
Sure, I now also have a one-foot-long schlong. That’s all good and well until you look at me naked, as I have done in the mirror ever since while screaming “No, Jesus, noooooooooo!” I mean, I look like a fucking circus freak! With a dick the size of a donkey’s, one pathetically small testicle beside its retarded giant of a brother, and an earlobe flapping against the side of my face like Nelly the bloody elephant. Your product should come with a warning — don’t scratch your balls and earlobes while applying my awesome dick enhancer unless you want to look like a freak.
I’d like my money back. I’ll keep the enlarged penis, thank you very much, but I suggest you go digging around in your garden and find a cure to shrink my ball and earlobe back to their normal size. Send it with one of those lap-dancing courier services and we’ll call it quits.
The Dalai Moron